


TMA Bloopers: Totally Normal Immortal Space Pirates

by Blue_Rive



Series: TMA Is The Mechanisms' Podcast [2]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast), The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: ...TWO!, Crack, Gen, Humor, Misgendering, Octokittens - Freeform, The Magnus Archives Is The Mechanisms' Podcast, but nothing enough to up the rating, implied nsfw (thanks nastyaurora), just some mildly cursed things, specifically- using it/its pronouns to dehumanize someone, tim and ts: gays that can't do math
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:22:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26324848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Rive/pseuds/Blue_Rive
Summary: Things have never once run smoothly on the Aurora.
Relationships: Gunpowder Tim & The Toy Soldier (The Mechanisms), Jonny d'Ville & Ashes O'Reilly
Series: TMA Is The Mechanisms' Podcast [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1897426
Comments: 18
Kudos: 152
Collections: Jonny D'ville pretends he's Jarchivist, The Toy Soldier Has Rights





	TMA Bloopers: Totally Normal Immortal Space Pirates

**Author's Note:**

> this is the second fic in the series, but everything is really just playing around with this concept, so feel free to read out of order!

This is the Blogbot, just taking a moment to thank all our patrons. Thank you for supposedly voluntarily giving the Mechanisms money. It has no idea why anyone in their right mind would do so; so, you all must have been coerced. The Mechanisms are cruel and violent, not against taking away your money, or your loved ones, or your Cyberian Pallada-class Protected Cruiser / Arachnid ‘Voyager’ Webship which you had spent weeks working on to make perfect. Sometimes, the Mechanisms co-opt your ship, and then it rejects all your calls for help despite the bonds you’ve attempted to place on it, and you are trapped with no hope of rescue. 

Just one example there, but it’s sure you can think of more. 

It refuses to actually read off the Patreon names, as it’s irritating like that.

[MAGNUS INTRO PLAYS OFF-KEY]

JONNY  _ (as Jon, reading a statement) _ : Before us lay the passage, filled with the still water of-

NASTYA: Jonny! Have you seen my book!

JONNY: No, I haven’t seen your goddamn book. I’m busy. 

NASTYA: Why are you under that blanket?

JONNY: I’m recording!

NASTYA: We’re musicians, Jonny. We have a studio. 

JONNY: Brian’s in there. 

NASTYA: Well, bully him out. You have a gun.

JONNY: No, I don’t. They all got confiscated, remember? 

NASTYA: I thought you just spawned them out of the ether.

JONNY: That’s completely ridiculous. 

NASTYA: Well, I know you keep getting more belts from somewhere. Aurora keeps taking them. We’re in _deep space,_ Jonny, how are you doing that.

JONNY: The more belts you have, the more weapons you can attach to them, the more violence you can cause!

NASTYA: That’s not an explanation. 

JONNY: Let me fucking record. 

[CLICK]

TIM: You know, for the longest time, I thought the secret was in balance. In some dusty old architect’s work on- oh! Ack- hey? Hey, kitty? Kit-kat? Oh, uh… which one are you? You look like… did you fuse? Ooo, are you a super big kitty cat now? Are you? Are you? Oh, you’re so cute… oh my god look at your little face! Faces. I’m sorry! I’ll give you both equal pets, no need to bite! Oh, there’s- uh- there’s four heads now- five- calm down, I only have two hands! I wonder if I could get more hands somehow… the Toy Soldier has a wooden one and a cybernetic to spare, and then Marius has one, and Brian’s got two…

TIM  _ (louder) _ : Toy! Toy Soldier!

TS: Yes, old chap?

TIM: How did you get there- nevermind. Can I have a hand?

TS: Why, certainly, friend Tim! What do you require assistance with?

TIM: No- I mean your actual arm. I need to pet this octokitten better. Look at his little eyes. 

TS: Oh! A friend!

TIM: I think Fredrick VII and Coaster fused.

TS: So this is a new chum! We should give him a proper name!

TIM: Fredster.

TS: Coastrick. Coaster VII? 

TIM: Yeah, but he’s not the eighth  _ Coaster.  _ He’s the eighth Fredrick. 

TS: This octokitten is more than the sum of his parts!

TIM: Yeah, you’re- you’re right. Like, Fredrick VII and Coaster only had two heads between them, and our new octokitten friend has one, two, four, seven… 

TS: Eleventeen!

TIM: That’s not a number. 

TS: All math is made up! I enjoy making things up so I have decided to contribute and make my own numbers!

TIM: How much is eleventeen, then? 

TS: The number of heads on that octokitten!

TIM: It keeps getting more, though.

TS: That is true. Let me think on this. 

[SILENCE]

TIM: Soo, can I get back to recording?

TS: Oh, rather! 

[CLICK]

BRIAN: No! No, we are not doing actual worms! I don’t want to be covered in them, and our Sasha’s human! She’ll die!

ASHES: Yeah, but she dies in story too. Ain’t a big deal.

BRIAN: I - please don’t kill people - Jonny’s written her into Season 5! We get a flashback! Plus, the worms aren’t what kill her. 

ASHES: Oh, yeah. I want to get Jonny and Tim attacked by worms, though. Raphaella does all the threatening and gun violence in character. I’m bored. 

BRIAN: You kill them out of character all the time!

ASHES  _ (cajoling) _ : Our Melanie got to stab Jonny, and  _ she’s  _ not even one of us.

BRIAN: No, she just- she’s just very stabby. 

ASHES: Huh. Well, yes or no to the worm violence? 

BRIAN: No! Always no!

ASHES: Ugh, fine, if you’re going to be boring like that. I’ll put them back. 

BRIAN: Put them- you brought a manifestation of the Corruption onto our ship?!

ASHES: Let’s- fuck, there’s one already-

BRIAN: Ashes!

[CLICK]

JONNY: Raph, I’ve told you, the recording equipment’s  _ fine.  _

RAPHAELLA: Wouldn’t you like it to be better? I can make it better!

JONNY: Contrary to what you seem to think, I could not give a fuck about it. Where’s all this enthusiasm when stuff breaks at shows?

RAPHAELLA: You yell at me when I try and help then, too. 

JONNY: I do not- give that back!

RAPHAELLA: No. I’m fixing it. 

JONNY: I need it!

ASHES: Raph, be careful, you know Jonny’s emotionally attached. Haven’t you seen him tenderly making love to the mic during shows? 

JONNY: I’m not Nastya!

RAPHAELLA: I could lick it, and then he’d stop. 

ASHES: Bold of you to assume he’d care. 

[CLICK]

JONNY: Ashes! Can you get me some water?

ASHES: Get your own water. The sink’s, like, right there. 

JONNY: I don’t drink Aurora’s water anymore. Remember Valentine’s Day?

ASHES: I think we all remember Valentine’s Day. How d’you plan to get other water, then?

JONNY: I- uh- I’ll go lick the dew off the leaves in our garden or something, fuck off. 

ASHES: That’s Aurora too.

JONNY: Fuck!

ASHES: You could try and find a comet. 

JONNY: How’s that gonna help?

ASHES: Comets are mostly water ice. 

JONNY: Really? 

ASHES: Yeah.

JONNY: Neat. Don’t want to, though. Do you have any? Ashes! I can see that cup you’re hiding behind you.

ASHES: You don’t want it. I haven’t drunk anything but gasoline for the last 60 years. 

JONNY: I- why? It doesn’t  _ taste good.  _

ASHES: To weird out Tim. Apparently, humans don’t have a tolerance to it. 

JONNY:  _ (scoffs)  _ Lame. 

[CLICK]

**Author's Note:**

> leave a comment!


End file.
